You know that time of the month that all of us dread, well mine is coming around the corner and I felt like I had gotten to the point where it didn’t bother me anymore. Well I was wrong. I am breaking from what I had planned to talk about today but I am to emotional not to address it.
For almost 5 years we have been trying to conceive and recently I have come to the understanding that we will probably not be able to have children unless it is through doing In vitro Fertilization or through adoption. We are looking more into adoption but that is not going to be a possibility until my husband graduates from his master’s program and gets a stable job. When we adopt I want to be able to stay home with my children and if Robert has a career it is a much more feasible possibility.
Now that you know a bit of my background, I can explain why I have decided to write this post today. I know that having children is something that is not in my control at this time and I have come to accept that. I have come to grips with the fact that we might not be able to have our own biological children and anxiously await the day when we find our children and bring them home. The hard part is that there are times when that hope of being pregnant still lingers. I know this might sound weird but I have learned to know my body so well that I can tell if I have ovulated and if I haven’t (I don’t always ovulate and I’m not always regular). I won’t go into the details of it now because I would like to talk about that in another post. But this month is one of those months that I know I have ovulated.
Although I know that there is a very slim chance that I could actually be pregnant, the slim chance is enough to disrupt all that I have come to grips with. This might sound like the ranting’s of a pre-menstruating woman but I felt that I needed to share a more vulnerable side of me. I guess the thing is this, I might seem like I have things under control and most of the time I do, but realistically there are times when I still struggle, I still break down and I still cry.
One thing that really is comforting is to know that I am not alone in this struggle and that there are many wonderful women that are traveling with me along this journey. Thank you!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I can relate to this post because I had some of those days too. The thing is, I still held on to hope of having biological children, even though I was slowly warming up to the possibility of embracing other children that were not mine biologically.
ReplyDeleteIts important that no matter what, you remain hopeful. I held on to that hope for almost a decade.
Someday you will be a mother, and you will be the best mother, ever! I know this by the way you are around other people's children. Keep your head up; we all have struggles, some are more difficult than others, of course. I cannot wait to see little black and asian Kaleen's running around!
ReplyDeleteI love you! I know how you feel. A woman will never stop hoping to have her own biological children. Even mother's who have no problem getting pregnant but have decided to stop having children, even they still have the desire to have more children. It's only natural. SO, I think it's okay to still hope - especially when you think of the eternal scheme of things. Even when I miscarried recently (I'll have to tell you about that later), I still had HOPE that I wouldn't end up miscarrying and that somehow, miraculously, everything would turn out okay. It didn't. But I think it helped me get through it to have something like HOPE to hang onto. I love you and you're right, you are NOT alone. It does help to know that. :)
ReplyDelete