Serving Others

Service is one of the best ways to help you forget about your problems and focus your energies on others. It is amazing when we take our time to help others what good it actually does for us.

There are many opportunities to serve in your community, in your neighborhoods, and in the church. All these venues offer different avenues of service, but the joy and fulfillment that can be found by helping others is truly healing for all parties involved.

Developing new friendships

One of the amazing blessings that can come from dealing with infertility is the friendships that are made and developed over the course of this trial. I know for a fact that I have friends that I would have never had if I had been a fertile myrtle.

I am grateful every day for those wonderful friends that have helped me along the way. These friendships are something I will cherish the rest of my life and they have been a tender mercy during a time of need.

Joy can be found through infertility by developing these new and wonderful friendships.

So a little off the beaten path

As this weekend is Memorial day weekend, I decided to go and spend time with my family. The weekend so far has been really nice. My parents live out in the country and being out here has helped me realize that it is so easy to get caught up in our lives and in the world that revolves around us. It can be hard sometimes to stop and see the beauty of the world around us.

I look out at the valley as the rain starts to come down, it truly helped me see that the lord created such a beautiful earth. It is majestic but I have to stop focusing on me and recognize the worlds beauty.

Spring is my favourite season because it the time when the world comes out of the dread of winter, the flowers start to grace us with their beauty, the rain refreshes and preps the ground for the heat of summer, and the smells in the air have a hint of the winter that it just came through and of the weather that is about to come.

It is really refreshing and give a new perspective on things when the time is taken to see some of the wonderful things the lord has prepared for us. It truly is one of his tender mercies.

Picture came from: http://www.manywallpapers.com/nature-wallpapers/spring/spring-valley.html

Wrap up

Just a little recap on where in the infertility process joy can be found:

Joy can be found in strengthening your marriage, gaining knowledge of infertility and your situation, grieving properly, trusting our Heavenly Father and knowing your individual worth.

Strengthening our Marriage

In the world today there are many things that try to tear a marriage apart and every day we here of more and more divorces. In a time when marriage is attacked at every angle, it is important to not let infertility weaken the bonds of your marriage. Having children is a wonderful and beautiful thing but is not worth destroying a marriage for.

During this time we need to strengthen out marriages and fine tune our communication skills. Remember to spend time together, go on dates, take a trip, and just love each other. Don’t dwell on the little things but focus on the big things. This process is something that you started together and should finish together.

You are worth so very much!

Doctrine and Covenants 18: 10, “Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;” You are loved, you are beautiful and your potential is not defined!

Gaining Knowledge

I know that this concept has been discussed before but it interesting to put in context with finding joy. It is true that the more you know the more you can feel in control. This control can bring a bit of peace and by having this control and knowledge you can find joy in your situation.

Grieving Properly

When a couple is dealing with infertility, they are dealing with the loss of something that they have dreamt of for years; the ability to naturally conceive a child. Whether this couple can conceive with medical treatments or can’t conceive at all, both have to go through the grieving process.

There are different steps that a couple can go through to grieve but it is important to understand that everyone needs to do something different.

Here are a few things that help:

Time: Time is said to heal all wounds. The time for dealing with infertility is different for each person and sometimes all you need is time.

Talk: Talk it out. Talk with your spouse, your friends, your parents, and to your bishop if you need to. The biggest thing is to not keep your feelings bottled up inside. You are not alone and it is amazing what healing can come by just opening your mouth.

Tears: Crying is ok and it is encouraged. It is amazing how a good cry can help release the tension and help start the healing begin.

By grieving properly you can find joy.

Trusting our Heavenly Father

Our father in heaven loves us and knows us on an individual basis. When going through the trial of infertility, it is very easy to think that you are being punished and that Heavenly Father doesn’t care what is going on in your life. The truth is quite the opposite though.

Our father in heaven is not punishing us but pushing us and challenging us to help us grow and live up to the potential he sees in us. Believing in this principle will lead to trusting Heavenly Father and with that trust, we can let go of the pain that is associated with those previous misconceptions.

With this new conviction, joy can be found through trusting our Heavenly Father and in his plan for us.

Joy came through…

At this point in Roberts and My fertility journey we have decided to add to our family through adoption. We are currently going through the process to complete our home study. One of the requirements to adopt is that we needed to attend adoption seminars that were being put on by our agency. During one of these meetings, we met a wonderful couple, Joy and Russell, who talked about how we can find joy in our infertility. I loved what they have talked about and wanted to share it with you.

This is the theme that is going to be encompassed for the next two weeks: Joy came through…

Stick and stones

Remember when you were younger when kids would make fun of you and your mom would tell the cute little saying, sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you? Well as we have gotten older the insults and the hurting words have become a lot more clever. Even like it was when we were children, these words can cause as much emotional damage as sticks and stones can physically: if we allow them to.

One of the wonderful things about this life is that we have an amazing power! What is that power you may ask? It is the power of choice. We can choose to let things bother us or we can choose to let things go. It is in our power to live happy or let others steal our happiness. Let’s choose to be happy by dealing with what people will say to us, learning from it, and then moving on. We have much bigger problems to focus on then the insincerities of others.

Looking to the Lord

I am the husband and have been asked to write a few things about possible insensitivity's that may have been said regarding infertility.

I can't really say that I have been offended by what anybody has said to me about why we didn't have any children, more than anything I think of how ignorant the person was for saying something they definitely did not fully understand.  For instance, I remember somebody at the university I was attending asked me why we didn't want to have children after I told her how long I had been married.  Without even asking me first the reason why we did not have children after four years of marriage (at the time), she simply assumed that my wife and I didn't want to have kids.  Once she left, I just began to laugh and I'm sure I told a few of my friends who also laughed pretty hard.

There are things in this life that all of us are ignorant to.  A lot of couples do not ever even think other couples cannot have children because they can have a child basically at any time.  The easiest way for me to not worry about dumb comments made about infertility is to laugh about what was said and remember the ignorant comments I have mistakenly made to people that offended them.

Always remember that we are all children of our Heavenly Father.  And, although He is perfect, we definitely are not perfect; therefore, it's not our job to judge others and hold grudges.

A post from the "other" half

A loaf in return

Melvin J. Ballard said, “A person cannot give a crust to the Lord without receiving a loaf in return.” (Marion G. Romney, “Welfare Services: The Savior’s Program,” Ensign, Nov. 1980, 93).

I know that is phrase was given in reference to service and I think that is completely true but I also think that this saying can be applied to this trial of waiting for our children to come into our family. As we learn and grow, this trail will seem like just a piece of crust compared to the loaf that the lord will bless us with. We just have to remember to keep giving the lord our best and he will bless us.

Girl Talk.

The last people you would think would say things that hurt you, can be your friends. You may have friends that completely understand, but on the other had you may have friends that think you are complaining about what you don’t have.

It can be hard but one thing that I have come to understand, girlfriends are the best people to talk to about the things that are going on with the female body. They also the best people to go to when you just need to get way from everything because they can take you shopping, get pedicures, watch chick-flix with and people that you can have a genuinely good time.

The biggest advice is to try to keep the conversations light and positive when you are hanging out with you friends that may not understand what you are going through.

What will my family say

While family can be very supportive they can at times they can say things that really can hurt. If you have a parent that never had problems getting pregnant, they may not be able to fully understand what you are going through. They may say thing that they think will help but don’t help at all.

I think my favorite saying that people is, “Oh just be patient, it will happen.” That saying does have some truth to it because it may happen but it also may not happen, but at the time, it is probably the last thing that you want to hear.

When dealing with family, they are emotionally involved in this trial too. They want you to have a baby; they want to be grandparents, aunts, or uncles too. Keep them in the loop with what is going on but if you being met with resistance or not as much support as you hoped, it may be hard to not be frustrated, but try not to stress family ties over this trial. Unfortunately they may not ever fully understand but they are still your family.

In the church

In the church there is an unwritten code of how things should be done. Women should graduate high school, go to one year of college, where they meet there spouse, who has just returned from a mission and they are married before the next school year starts. Then after one year of marriage, the wife gets pregnant, quits school and stays home to raise the child, while the husband finishes school and provides for their family.

As we all know, this isn’t what always happens. As a couple keeps on adding years to how long they have been married, the questions may get stronger and stronger from those in your ward. It may go from, “Do you guys have kids?” to “When are you guys going to start having to children?” to “Are you putting off having children to focus on your career?”, and then to “You are not following the counsel of the prophets by putting off your family!”

These questions and comments can be very hurtful when having children is all that you want to do! Most of the time these questions come because of a lack of knowledge and these people don’t really know what they are saying and if they do know what they are saying, shame on them. Don’t stoop to their level and say something you will regret.

Dealing with peoples questions.

Now that the news may be out that you are trying to have a baby or even if you haven’t told anyone, it seems like once you have been married for 1-2 years and you don’t have children, people start to ask questions. These questions can be just in passing, they can be probing, and they can be hurtful.

This week I want to talk about dealing with the questions and the comments that one may receive by members in your ward, your family, and friends. Most of the time these people are not meaning to hurt or bring up raw emotions, they are just curious and in some cases nosey. It is up to you how you deal with their comments and questions.

Hard but totally worth it!

Starting a support group is not an easy task! It involves stepping out of your comfort zone and taking a chance to help others. The first support group that I attended was run by a very dear friend, Ella (name has been changed) who had struggled with infertility for over 4 years at that time. I was still in the first year of trying to conceive and was very nervous to let others know that something was wrong.

Ella was amazing! She wanted to let anyone in the ward who wanted to come to know about the group, so she announced that the meeting would be held at her apartment. Because of her candidness, I was able to receive the healing and help that I needed at that time in my life. I was also able to see how the lord helps give us what we need by sending magnificent people into our lives when we need them most. Because of this group I made friends that have made an impact that will affect me for the rest of my life.

If you are not ready to start your own group, I would highly encourage you look for a group to join. This decision will make a lasting impression on your life.

If you are ready to start your own group, go for it! It will be difficult at first but it will completely be worth the effort!

If you are in need a little extra help getting you group started, http://www.ldsinfertility.org/forums/support-group/ this link gives a bit of support for getting your group started.

Good luck with your support groups and don’t forget to have a box of Kleenex and plenty of chocolate!

The first of many get together!

Now that you have decided where to have the meeting and when to have it, the next step is to decide what to talk about. This step shouldn’t be over thought but you should be prepared with a few questions in case things get a little quiet.

One thing that has worked with the groups I have been involved with is starting, with a prayer, and then having everyone that is comfortable share their story about how long they have been trying and what treatments they have done. This is usually a pretty good icebreaker and it creates a foundation to build on.

This also is a great segway into more open conversation about what is going on with their bodies, common treatments you have all done, and helping dealing with bottled up emotions. Last thing I would suggest doing is leaving with a next step. This is what everyone is going to work on or do during the time between the next meetings. Having this next step give each person something to focus on that is in their control and it is great conversation starter for the next meeting.

Blessed are...

Support groups are there to help lift every member. This scripture was spoken by Christ during his sermon on the mount and I think it is beautiful how it applies to us today.

Mathew Chapter 5

3) Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

4) Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

The meeting place

The next step is to determine where to have your meeting. The key with this I to do it somewhere people will be comfortable. This can be a scary thing for all parties and so the meeting places should be somewhere quite; where there won’t be distractions so that people can feel secure.

Setting the right place is very important for the first couple of meetings but after you get a good feel for those who are coming and their needs, then the meeting place may not be as important and can be changed if needed. If possible, I would suggest that it be done in someone’s home, if room allows. Church buildings can often be busy, hard to schedule and are very impersonal.

Next thing that is important is to have light refreshment. It is amazing how food can break the ice and lesson the tension, especially when it involves chocolate.

Where ever you have it make sure it is a place that you can feel the spirit. These meeting are great and when the spirit is present, amazing healing can occur!

Where to Begin

The first thing you have to understand is you level of comfort. A few questions to ask yourself are: “Am I ok with telling people that we are dealing with infertility?” “How does my husband feel about starting a support group?” “Am I willing to get out of my comfort zone?”

If you are satisfied with your answers to the above questions, the next step is to start organizing the group. If you have a friend who is dealing with infertility, start by asking said friend if she would be willing to help you out with your support group. Have two people to get it going can really help relieve the stress and pressure of starting the group.

Tomorrow we will talk about what to do once you have decided to start your group.

Finding your own support

While looking for a support system you may find quite a few people that want to talk about their situation and what’s going on with their fertility journey. You may find that there may not be an organized group for you all to join.

This week I’m going to talk about something that takes courage, bravery, persistence and being a bit crazy! We are going discus starting your own support group! Reaching out and bringing friendship and healing to others.

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day can be a very bitter sweet day for those of us who are struggling with infertility, whether we have primary or secondary infertility, it can be a day that represents what we don’t have. It is also a day that where we can honor and show love for our own mothers.

I found this wonderful quote by Sister Sheri Dew:

“While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity in the Lord’s language, the word Mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define, her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam Called Eve The Mother of all Living and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women.”

I agree with Sister Dew on the fact that as women, motherhood is an innate quality. I think for today, instead of looking at the fact that we are not mothering a child, we should look for the mothering qualities that we have and use on a daily basis.

So Happy Mother’s day to all everyone who is a female!

Support is like...

A good support system is like a good bra and every woman needs one. Without support we are more susceptible to pain, agony and the daemons that reside in our own mind. I feel that we a can be at times our very worst enemies and that it takes reaching out to others to help give us a boost to overcome those obstacles.

I encourage you all to find or recognize those people in your life that are or will support you through this journey of infertility. We are woman we are not meant to go through this life alone! We are to lift, guild and nurture, none of those acts can be done solo. You all are amazing and are capable of great things! Thanks for the support you have shown and keep moving forward!

Find a support group

After family and friend another option is to look for a support group. There are support groups online as well as ones that are a bit more face to face.

Here a couple of websites that I have enjoyed where you can go and find support.

http://www.ldsinfertility.org/

http://www.askdramy.com/

http://www.2ofus4now.org/List.asp?SubTopicID=17

http://www.cafemom.com/search/index.php?keyword=trying+to+conceive

Face to Face groups may be found through your ward, through a therapist or through friends. These groups you may have to look for them but it is well worth the effort!

Heavenly Support Group

Matthew 11:28

28 ¶Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Don’t forget about your heavenly support group. They are always there, even when it feels like no one else is.

Religious Support

The next place to go for support is through the church. The relief society was created for the purpose of lifting up and edifying each other. If you don’t know of any sister in your ward that might be struggling with infertility, ask your relief society president. Reaching out may help more than just you.

I know that it can be very difficult to reach out when you are hurting inside but talking sometimes is the best therapy. When you share a common faith, it is amazing how having that foundation can help bring peace and understanding. It also can help bring light to a subject that can be very dark at times and ultimately, it can bring to sisters together to make a lifetime bond.

Girlfriends

Friends are amazing! There is something to be said for girlfriends and I think that every woman needs at least one girlfriend. We love our men but as women there are some things that we just understand about each other. Know who you can talk to; know which friends will bring you up when you are down and which ones to go to for advice.

There may be some of your friends that may not understand what you are going though. I think when it comes to that situation, helping educate them about the situation can help both parties. It can help them understand what is going on and peace can be found through educating. This gives you a chance for you to share with them and it is there choice whether or not they want to understand.

The best thing about girlfriends is that they who you can turn to when you need some time to get your mind off of everything. Make time for girl time, go shopping, get a pedicure or just spend time talking. This is a way to let some stress go and let the healing begin. 

The Support of a Mother

One of the first places any of us will go when we are having a hard time is to our family. Especially as women when looking for advice, it is very common to turn to our mothers for support and guidance. I will be the first to admit that our mothers may not know exactly what we are going through and at times they may be a bit frustrating with their questions or comments, but they understand that pure desire of wanting to have children. They have all been there.

I think the best thing about talking to my mom is that I know she cares about me and although she may not exactly understand what I am going through, I will always be her child and she loves me no matter how many grandchildren I give her. I also know that through this experience she has learned from me as much as I have learned from her. We can grow together in this trial and not apart.

You are not alone

This week I would like to expound on the principle of finding support. This is something that truly is a magnificent way of finding healing and hope. Poor Robert, after about 8 months of trying to get pregnant, I was crying every other night about the fact that I felt broke, I felt alone, and I felt like what I really wanted wasn’t ever going to come. The problem with this last part was that all I could think about was me and how much pain I was in.

It wasn’t until I started attending the support group, which the sister I mentioned on Friday started, that I started to understand that this trail wasn’t just about me and I wasn’t going through it alone. Can is say that again, WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!

It is through the support of others that our burdens can be made light. I know that reaching out and admitting that something is going on can be very difficult but it makes the difference between be bitter or finding joy in our struggles.