Pain

When thinking about infertility, one of the first emotions that I know I experienced was that of pain. There was deep longing lodge way down in my soul that yearned to be fulfilled. I wanted to be a mother and every month that pasted by I would feel the pain of disappointment, the pain of despair and the pain yearning.

A few months after my husband and I had started trying to have a baby, he had a chance to go to work a baseball camp for the summer. We decided that would be a good opportunity for him and that he should take it. It did mean that we would have to spend about 2 months apart, 2 months of precious baby making time out the window. But the timing was going to be perfect, according to all my charting I would ovulate the weeks before he was supposed to leave for Missouri. The timing was going to be so right and I knew that this month was going to be our month!  We would get pregnant and Robert wouldn’t have to worry about me being sick at all of everything would be perfect. Well I was a week late and I knew that we must have done it!

One afternoon after getting back from work and from talking to my sweet husband about how I knew this was our month; I took a trip to the bathroom and couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw blood. I was devastated. I couldn’t make it past the bathroom door. I curled up in a ball in the hallway and bawled. It was one more month of being further away from my dreams, one more period, and one more devastating blow. I felt like so much pain was being pent up in my soul.

Well I did eventually pick myself up off the floor and knelt in prayer.  Since I felt all alone I knew I had to pray. The only way I was able to get through it was through the help of spirit and feeling the love that the lord had for me. The best type of Tylenol for this type of pain can only be found through a lot of soul searching, prayer and learning to feel the love of the lord. Pain is real and has to be dealt with because if it is not, it can lead to bitterness, loneliness, and being completely unhappy.

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day can be a very bitter sweet day for those of us who are struggling with infertility, whether we have primary or secondary infertility, it can be a day that represents what we don’t have. It is also a day that where we can honor and show love for our own mothers.

I found this wonderful quote by Sister Sheri Dew:

“While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity in the Lord’s language, the word Mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define, her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam Called Eve The Mother of all Living and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women.”

I agree with Sister Dew on the fact that as women, motherhood is an innate quality. I think for today, instead of looking at the fact that we are not mothering a child, we should look for the mothering qualities that we have and use on a daily basis.

So Happy Mother’s day to all everyone who is a female!

Support is like...

A good support system is like a good bra and every woman needs one. Without support we are more susceptible to pain, agony and the daemons that reside in our own mind. I feel that we a can be at times our very worst enemies and that it takes reaching out to others to help give us a boost to overcome those obstacles.

I encourage you all to find or recognize those people in your life that are or will support you through this journey of infertility. We are woman we are not meant to go through this life alone! We are to lift, guild and nurture, none of those acts can be done solo. You all are amazing and are capable of great things! Thanks for the support you have shown and keep moving forward!

A Special Soul

On a hill far away in a time long ago, Christ gave his life so that we all might live. He suffered unimaginable pain so that our pain might be taken away. His suffering was not done in vain but has affected more lives than anyone act in all of humanity. He truly is the son of god and lives this day to offer us comfort, peace and guidance in our lives.

I would like to share a poem I wrote:

A Special Soul

How special a soul he must have been

For Father in Heaven to allow this life for him

Our Savior chose to come to earth

To be born of Mary through a mortal birth

His life was simple pure and true

But he came to atone for me and for you

He lived his life to perfection

So we all could be blessed with Salvation

Let us live our lives worthy of him

Who hung on the cross and died for our sins