Pain

When thinking about infertility, one of the first emotions that I know I experienced was that of pain. There was deep longing lodge way down in my soul that yearned to be fulfilled. I wanted to be a mother and every month that pasted by I would feel the pain of disappointment, the pain of despair and the pain yearning.

A few months after my husband and I had started trying to have a baby, he had a chance to go to work a baseball camp for the summer. We decided that would be a good opportunity for him and that he should take it. It did mean that we would have to spend about 2 months apart, 2 months of precious baby making time out the window. But the timing was going to be perfect, according to all my charting I would ovulate the weeks before he was supposed to leave for Missouri. The timing was going to be so right and I knew that this month was going to be our month!  We would get pregnant and Robert wouldn’t have to worry about me being sick at all of everything would be perfect. Well I was a week late and I knew that we must have done it!

One afternoon after getting back from work and from talking to my sweet husband about how I knew this was our month; I took a trip to the bathroom and couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw blood. I was devastated. I couldn’t make it past the bathroom door. I curled up in a ball in the hallway and bawled. It was one more month of being further away from my dreams, one more period, and one more devastating blow. I felt like so much pain was being pent up in my soul.

Well I did eventually pick myself up off the floor and knelt in prayer.  Since I felt all alone I knew I had to pray. The only way I was able to get through it was through the help of spirit and feeling the love that the lord had for me. The best type of Tylenol for this type of pain can only be found through a lot of soul searching, prayer and learning to feel the love of the lord. Pain is real and has to be dealt with because if it is not, it can lead to bitterness, loneliness, and being completely unhappy.