When thinking about infertility, one of the first emotions
that I know I experienced was that of pain. There was deep longing lodge way
down in my soul that yearned to be fulfilled. I wanted to be a mother and every
month that pasted by I would feel the pain of disappointment, the pain of despair
and the pain yearning.
A few months after my husband and I had started trying to
have a baby, he had a chance to go to work a baseball camp for the summer. We
decided that would be a good opportunity for him and that he should take it. It
did mean that we would have to spend about 2 months apart, 2 months of precious
baby making time out the window. But the timing was going to be perfect,
according to all my charting I would ovulate the weeks before he was supposed
to leave for Missouri. The timing was going to be so right and I knew that this
month was going to be our month! We would
get pregnant and Robert wouldn’t have to worry about me being sick at all of
everything would be perfect. Well I was a week late and I knew that we must
have done it!
One afternoon after getting back from work and from talking
to my sweet husband about how I knew this was our month; I took a trip to the
bathroom and couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw blood. I was devastated. I
couldn’t make it past the bathroom door. I curled up in a ball in the hallway
and bawled. It was one more month of being further away from my dreams, one
more period, and one more devastating blow. I felt like so much pain was being
pent up in my soul.
Well I did eventually pick myself up off the floor and knelt
in prayer. Since I felt all alone I knew
I had to pray. The only way I was able to get through it was through the help
of spirit and feeling the love that the lord had for me. The best type of Tylenol
for this type of pain can only be found through a lot of soul searching, prayer
and learning to feel the love of the lord. Pain is real and has to be dealt
with because if it is not, it can lead to bitterness, loneliness, and being completely
unhappy.
