Monday, October 14, 2013

Coming back

It dawned on me the other night that it has almost been 3 years since I started this blog,  almost 2 years since my last post and over a year since I have even checked this blog. I feel like I have abandoned something that was such a part of me for a year and really abandoned a topic that so impacted/impacts my life.

Let me begin with where I have been. The February after I completed my one year challenge of blogging, I found out on Valentines day that I was pregnant. I never thought that it could happen and you would think I would have been ecstatic but to be honest I was in shock. I told my husband and he couldn't believe it either. He wanted me to take 10 more pregnancy test right then but I had to get to work. 

All day I wanted to believe that this was truly real but a huge part of me felt that it was too good to be true. There was no way I was pregnant! It would have explained why I was feeling the way I was but at the same time, it didn't seam possible. We were hoping to adopt. I had mourned over the loss of not being able to get pregnant. I had accepted the fact that I wouldn't have my own biological children and that our children would come to us through adoption. To find out I was pregnant, almost felt like a foreign concept to me. Like a dream that had almost been forgotten brought back to life.   

That night I took one more test and it came back invalided. It was a digital test so I decided invalid wasn't good enough so I tore it apart to find the test strip inside. Sure enough there were two lines. The next mornings test confirmed again that I was in fact pregnant. Throughout our years of infertility I had never seen those two little lines, so to have more then one test come out positive, I knew it must be. The next morning I set up a doctors appointment to have every thing checked out. The two months prior to finding out I was pregnant my periods were really crazy. I had 3 cycles in that time so it wasn't a shock to me that it was off again that month. I had been spotting and just thought I was going to have a bad period but it never came.

At our Doctors visit it was confirmed that we did have a little bug growing inside of me. We even got an early ultrasound and found out that we were about 8 weeks along. Longer then I had originally thought. By that time, reality had sunk in that I was in fact pregnant but it hadn't really for my husband. After the ultrasound he asked me if I still needed to get blood work done to make sure I was pregnant. I told him there wasn't a need because we were for sure pregnant and saw our baby on the screen.

While we both struggled with the reality of this pregnancy I know it was hardest on Robert. I would go to bed at night and be afraid that I would wake up the next morning and find out that I wasn't really pregnant, that I never had been and that it was a dream my mind had conjured up. Each morning though, I was still pregnant. Even once we moved across the country and I quit my job, I would still sometimes wake up not sure of my surroundings and think that I needed to get to work, but for me I felt our little girl inside of me. I felt her spirit and couldn't deny the life that was developing in me. Robert saw me get sick, saw the changes that were happening to me, but the moment for him that he was going to be a father, didn't really hit till he was holding our little girl in his arms. Little Jacky was born in October of 2012 and at that moment I saw the realization in his eyes and love in his heart for this precious little human. He was finally a father and I a mother to our own little child.

Fast forward a year and I find my self with a one year old and facing many of the same fertility problems that I did before I got pregnant the first time. I have finally talked myself into the fact that its ok if we get pregnant again (that is a story I will post about later), but I don't know what to expect. It is like we are starting the journey to fertility all over again but doing it the second time brings a whole different set of challenges and issues.

I'm hoping to use this blog to express these feeling, challenges and talk about this new chapter in my journey.

PS. This may also be used to post random thoughts not related to fertility. It will just depend on my mood. :)



  1. Hey Kaleen

    Missed you. Welcome back and my heartiest congrats on your new addition. God is truly awesome. Enjoy every minute of this journey,