Once we made the decision to adopt the next step was to complete our home study. This home study is a look into our lives to make sure that we would be good parents. We know we would be good parents but the home study is a formality that we had to get past in order to move onto the next step.
Once our profile went live, it has felt like we have been in a hurry up and wait game. We rushed and rushed to get our home study completed just to sit and hope that someone will call. I know that sounds like a cynical way of describing it but it really is what it feels like.
Throughout the process of trying to have a baby, it always seems like an issue of control. When we couldn’t get pregnant on our own and didn’t know what was wrong, I felt helpless. When we started testing and taking clomid, I felt like I had more control over our situation. At least we were actively doing something to help it all out. But when the testing came back and the treatments didn’t work, again I felt helpless.
As we have done the adoption paper work, I felt again like I had more control over the situation because we were actively moving forward and doing our part to grow our family. Once the paper work was done and all the interviews were complete and we were told to just wait, it is hard not to feel like we no longer have control over what is going on in our lives.
I do know, though, that even if at times I felt like I had control, I really didn’t. I have never had control over whether or not we would get pregnant or chosen by a birthmother to adopt her baby: that control has and will always belong to the Heavenly Father. I know that we must do all we can do and the Lord will bless us when the time is right, right in the Lords time and not my own.
I know that if I would have gotten pregnant when I wanted to, I wouldn’t be the person I am today and I wouldn’t have some of my dearest friends in my life because most of the lessons I have learned and the friends I have gain have come because of my infertility. Although it has been a heart wrenching experience at times, I am grateful for all that I have, all I have learned, and the person I have become.